November 9

THERE'S SHIT ALL TO DO IN SAN ANTONIO PART II

I'd like to protest the state of American convenience-culture for a moment. How much convenience does one nation need?

There are things in society that I erroneously believed were already convenient enough. The American convenience-experts frowned at these things and went to work on them - determined to make them easier to use or eat. For example: the convenience store. It's name would have you believe that it was convenient enough already. That would be wrong. Let's be honest we all love a convenience store but it can be tiring to walk from aisle to aisle, using our heads to look left and right at the items we want to buy. Then once we've decided what things to purchase, we then have to carry them out to our car. What bullshit. I wanted convenience, and here I am, on my feet, using my arms and hands like a farmer. Luckily the convenience-experts of America invented the drive-thru convenience store. Now I can sit in my car, shout "Beef! Toothpaste! A blue hat!" into a metal box and some peon will run around the store, collecting my items for me. Onwards and upwards America!

The convenience experts have also applied the same zero-tolerance approach to inconvenience in other areas; burgers for instance. I love a burger but like you I hate that period after I put a burger in my mouth and before it gets to my stomach. How can I eliminate those tiresome seconds spent chewing?

Turns out it's easy. The White Castle fast-food chain have created little burgers actually called Sliders. I don't have to explain how disgusting the concept of a Slider is because the name is doing it for me right now. But hold on one minute. Sliders are small and Americans are hungry. How the fuck is this going to work?

At that moment the convenience-experts whip out the "Crave Case". For a worryingly low price you can buy a blue and white case containing 30 Sliders. Think how much better your life would be if you had access to a Crave Case. You'd be the talk of the office for sure. And you'd certainly be a big hit on the Tube, guzzling tiny burgers out of a greasy, plastic suitcase.

The only logical next step has already been mapped out by The Onion.