November 8

THERE'S SHIT ALL TO DO IN SAN ANTONIO PART I

I don't mean to "rag" on a particular city. It's not my intention to black-ball a place so that you never go there. But let me put it this way: following New Orleans with San Antonio is like tearing yourself away from a never-ending jazz party held in a crystal bubble orbiting the Earth, to jump on the Circle Line to Snaresbrook. And not the good bit of Snaresbrook either.

So in lieu of anything interesting to say about the place in which I find myself, I present you with:

FIVE GREAT PLACES TO EAT THE NEXT TIME YOU QUIT YOUR JOB AND GO TO THE AMERICAN SOUTH

1) Blue Plate Cafe, Store St, Memphis. Do you want to get big and fat? Come here! Even if you don't order pancakes, biscuits and waffles you'll get them anyway. It's the perfect American breakfast. Added bonus: Menus which look like newspapers. What a gas!

2) Clover Grill, Bourbon St, New Orleans. It's open 24 hours a day, and they'll cook your enormous burger in a god damned hubcap. Added bonus: Milkshakes so thick you'll puncture a lung. Plus there's a world-hating, Nietzsche teenager who works in there who sounds and looks like the spotty-faced teen from the Simpsons.

3) Stack 'em High, The Outer Banks, North Carolina. A great breakfast place with all the usuals, plus an effective, surfery vibe. Added bonus: The owner looks like Will Ferrell and he'll come and talk to you.

2) Mother's Restaurant, Poydras St, New Orleans. Rough and ready Cajun fare like jambalaya, endouillie and gumbo. All of it's spicy and delicious and the staff are like a live-action sitcom, performing for your in-meal entertainment. Added bonus: LL Cool J eats here! You also get the local police department dropping in to chat with the staff and help themselves to food. Plus, the staff remember your name after one visit and say "Hey Joseph!" in a highly suggestive way when you walk in.

1) Gus's, Memphis. I don't know where it is because we were taken there in a car at night time but it is the best fried chicken I've ever eaten. It's so tiny in there that from the outside it barely registers as a restaurant. Added bonus: none needed. Best chicken ever.