November 15

I love the fact that Texas - arguably the most conservative state in America - is governed from Austin. Austin is the South's most liberal city. Not only that but the State Capitol building is situated slap bang in the middle of the university district. So Jeb Bush, or whoever the governor is at the moment, has to do all of his governing in plain sight of the barbarians who are, quite literally, at the gate. Maybe this set up makes it easier to do all the things Texan governors are known for. Approving record numbers of state executions, raging against early, mid and late-term abortions and of course demanding all illegal immigrants are expelled while passing no actual legislation that makes the expelling of said immigrants any easier. Yes, if this horrible to-do list were my own I would certainly want to work on it in plain sight of a campus of pot-addled slackers. At least then I would feel less like a heinous pol and more like Mr Burns or Count Dracula.

Later my friend and I dropped in on an improv-comedy event, held in an art gallery. I'll stick my neck out right now and say the art was bad. Not entertaining bad, or even Turner Prize-winning bad, just your standard-issue bad art.

The comedy show would have been less funny had it not been for the free wine being handed out in the lobby. My friend and I weathered filthy looks from the event's organisers as we helped ourselves to refills ad infinitum but to these people I say: "No! Did you not advertise unlimited, free wine? Well this is United States of America pal, and if you prefix anything with the words "free" and "unlimited" you can bet your bottom dollar some shameless pig is going to take advantage of your offer. This evening I was that pig, but he lives on in the hearts of every decent, functioning American.

The show was a half-baked parody of teen slasher flicks. Its best feature was a "more is more" approach to gore which saw absurd amounts of corn syrup, sausages and cow hearts flung about the stage with gay abandon. However the show also featured the worst individual performance I have ever seen on a stage, professional or otherwise. The offending actor in question was a middle-aged blonde woman who delivered every one of her lines in a high-pitch staccato scream while staring unblinkingly at the audience. Because we were in the front row this was doubly unpleasant. When her final scene rolled around it was a relief and I've rarely been happier to watch a woman being eviscerated right in front of me.